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Monday 26 May 2014

The Assassination Of A Beloved Children's Character...part one.

THE REAL ADVENTURES OF NODDY


The following story was chosen by my followers on Google +. Come and join us ... it's better than you think. :O)

THE BIG YELLOW PLASTIC SUN SHONE DOWN OVER THE LAND, ON ALL THE LITTLE PLASTICINE ANIMALS THAT WERE GRAZING IN THE FIELDS OF LEGO AND IN THE CENTRE OF ALL THIS HAPPINESS WAS TOY TOWN.  HOME OF ALL THE TOYS IN THE WORLD.  FROM ACTION MAN TO POWER RANGERS.  FROM THE LEGO MEN TO TRANSFORMERS AND THE REST, THEY ALL LIVED IN HARMONY TOGETHER.  THAT WAS UNTIL ONE DAY…



NODDY DROVE THROUGH TOY TOWN IN HIS NEW RED AND YELLOW PORSCHE.  HE DROVE SO FAST THAT HE NEARLY LOST HIS BIG BLUE HAT COMPLETE WITH SHINY BELL ON THE END.  THE REASON HE WAS DRIVING SO FAST WAS THAT HE WAS LATE FOR LUNCH WITH HIS BEST MATE BIG EARS.  BIG EARS WAS NOT SOMEONE YOU WANTED TO MESS WITH AND SO NODDY RACED OFF AT HIGH SPEED SLIPPING GEARS LIKE A PRO.

AS HE CAME TO THE CENTRE OF TOY TOWN HE WAS FORCED TO SLOW DOWN FOR THE OTHER TOYS, WHO FOR SOME REASON THAT WILL NEVER BE FULLY EXPLAINED, COULDN’T AFFORD A CAR OF THEIR OWN.  IT WAS PROBABLY BECAUSE NODDY CHARGED OVER INFLATION RATES FOR A RIDE IN HIS CAR AND SO PEOPLE COULDN’T SAVE UP FOR ONE.

AS HE WAITED FOR THE BIG LIGHTS TO CHANGE FROM RED TO GREEN HE REVVED THE ENGINE OF HIS LITTLE PLASTIC CAR.  OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE HE SAW PC PLOD WOBBLE UP TO HIM.  HIS BRIGHT RED FLUSTERED FACE GLARING RIGHT AT HIM.  NODDY LOOKED AT THE LIGHTS AND THEN AT PC PLOD.

“HELLO THERE NODDY HOW ARE YOU TODAY.” SAID THE POLICE OFFICER IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE AS NODDY RACED THROUGH THE LIGHTS.  THROUGH THE DUST PC PLOD SAW THE DRIVER FLICK A ‘V’ SIGN AT HIM.  HE QUICKLY WROTE DOWN THE PLATE NUMBER OF THE CAR.  IT WAS A POINTLESS EXERCISE BECAUSE NODDY WAS THE ONLY PERSON IN TOY TOWN WITH A CAR AND HE SAW NODDY IN THE DRIVERS SEAT ANYWAY.

PLOD CLENCHED HIS LITTLE PLASTIC HANDS AND WOBBLED AWAY.  BUMPY DOG LOOKED UP AT HIM AND WAGGED HIS TAIL.  “BOW WOW.”  IT SAID.

“NOT NOW DOG.” GROWLED PC PLOD BECAUSE TOYS FIND IT VERY HARD TO SWEAR.

ALL WAS NOT HAPPY IN TOY TOWN.

THREE MINUTES LATER NODDY PULLED A 360 OUTSIDE BIG EARS HOUSE AND FLEW THROUGH THE DOOR INTO HIS FRONT ROOM, WHICH DOUBLED UP AS A BEDROOM.

“DON’T YOU EVER KNOCK? YOU LITTLE TURD.”  BELLOWED BIG EARS.  HE WAS SAT UP IN BED, RED FACED AND BLURRY EYED.

“WHAT’S UP WITH YOU YA FAT PIG?” HISSED NODDY SITTING DOWN IN THE CHAIR IN THE CORNER.  HE LIT A FAG THAT KEPT BEHIND HIS EAR.  “BEEN ON AN ALL NIGHT BINGE AGAIN HAVE YOU?”  HE SAID PUFFING AWAY.  “WHO DID YOU TRAP OFF WITH THIS TIME YOU DIRTY OLD MAN?  CINDY, BARBIE, OR ONE OF THE CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS AGAIN YOU RANDY SEX POT.”  NODDY SNIGGERED TO HIMSELF.

BIG EARS RUBBED HIS HEAD AND TRIED TO REMEMBER WHAT HAD HAPPENED THE NIGHT BEFORE.  “NO, I ENDED UP AT BUTTON MOONSHINE’S.”  HE MOANED.

NODDY SAT UP STRAIGHT AND NEARLY SWALLOWED HIS CIG.  “ THAT’S A PUFTERS BAR.  WHAT THE CHUFF WERE YOU DOING THERE, YOU BENT TOSSER?”

BIG EARS LENT FORWARD AND THREW UP ALL OVER THE BED.  NODDY LAUGHED SO HARD HIS LITTLE BELL ON TOP OF HIS HAT BEGAN TO RING AND FLICKED HIS CIGARETTE END THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOW.

LIFE FOR TOYS WAS VERY DIFFERENT WHEN CHILDREN WER NOT AROUND TO PLAY WITH THEM AND NOTHING LIKE TOY STORY AT ALL!

BACK IN TOY TOWN PC PLOD RANG SOME OF OLD FRIENDS FROM HIS SERVICE YEARS. 

BEFORE JOINING THE POLICE FORCE PC PLOD WAS KNOWN AS CORPORAL PLOD.  HE WAS AT THE FRONT LINE IN THE BEDROOM WARS IN THE EARLY EIGHTIES BEFORE REACHING RETIREMENT AGE AND SETTLING DOWN IN THE FORCE.  HE’D NEVER HAD MUCH TROUBLE FROM NODDY AND BIG EARS BEFORE; THEY ALWAYS SEEMED SUCH HELPFUL CHAPS.  IT WASN’T UNTIL BIG EARS BROUGHT BACK SOME MARY-JOANNA FROM BONGO-BONGO LAND* THAT THING'S STARTED TO GO WRONG.  PLOD HAD BEEN VERY EASY ON NODDY IN THE PAST FEW MONTHS, WITH ATTEMPTED ROBBERY, DRUNK IN CHARGE OF A VEHICLE, RESISTING ARREST, BAD LANGUAGE, ASSAULTING AN OFFICER OF THE LAW AND MANY MORE OFFENCES THAT HE HAD LET OFF WITH A SIMPLE CAUTION.

WELL NOT ANY MORE MY LITTLE BLUE HATTED FRIEND.  THIS TIME PLOD FIGHTS BACK.” HE THOUGHT OUT LOUD. THE PHONE ANSWERED. 

HELLO? ACTION MAN’S OFFICE PLEASE.” HE SAID TO THE RECEPTIONIST.  AS HE WAITED TO BE PUT THROUGH DINA DOLL AND TUBBY BEAR BURST THROUGH THE DOOR.

“QUICK PC PLOD.”  DINA PANTED.  “THERE’S A MEETING ABOUT NODDY AND BIG EARS.” SHE LOST HER BREATH. TUBBY CONTINUED.  “ YOU HAVE TO COME AND STOP THEM FROM FIGHTING.”  THEY WAITED FOR HIM TO FINISH ON THE PHONE AND LED HIM DOWN THE HIGH STREET TO THE TOWN HALL, PAST ALL THE SHOPS AND MARKET STALLS THAT WERE LEFT DESERTED AND SHUT FOR THE MEETING.

NODDY SAT ALONE IN THE BEDROOM COME LOUNGE THAT WAS LITTERED WITH PIZZA BOXES, EMPTY CANS OF LAGER AND FAG ENDS THAT WAS HOME TO BIG EARS.  HE PICKED HIS NOSE AND WIPED HIS FINDINGS ON THE SIDE OF THE WOODEN CHAIR HE SAT IN.  

“COME ON YOU FAT SLOB.  HURRY UP” HE SHOUTED TO BIG EARS WHO WAS STILL TRYING TO GET READY TO GO OUT, BITS OF SICK STILL STUCK TO HIS CHIN.  “SOD OFF YOU LITTLE UP-START, OR I’LL KICK YOUR PLASTIC ARSE DOWN THE STREET.”  CAME THE REPLY FROM THE BATHROOM.

“WHIZZ OFF” HISSED NODDY UNDER HIS BREATH.  HE STOOD OVER THE CRAP THAT LAY ON THE FLOOR AND WALKED OVER TO THE STEREO.  HE PRESSED THE ON BUTTON.

FROM OUTSIDE, THE LITTLE PLASTIC HOUSE SHOOK VIOLENTLY AS THOUGH THE WHOLE WORLD WAS ABOUT TO END.  INSIDE, BIG EARS CAUGHT THE MOST OF THE BLAST OF NOISE KNOW TO MOST RAVERS AS THE PRODIGY BECAUSE OF HIS HUGE LOBES.  NODDY WAS THROWN RIGHT ACROSS THE ROOM FROM THE SHEAR BLAST OF SOUND.  BIG EARS THREW A BOOK AT THE STEREO AND KNOCKED IT OFF.  “YOU WITLESS OAF.” BELLOWED BIG EARS.  “ YOU ARE THE MOST DOCILE TWIT I HAVE EVER MET. YOU STUPID BOLLOCK.”

HE STARTED TO GO RED IN THE FACE.  NODDY COULDN’T HERE A WORD HIS JUNKIE PAL WAS SAYING; HE HAD BECOME COMPLETELY DEAF FROM THE MUSIC.  BIG EARS CARRIED ON YELLING AND SCREAMING AT NODDY WHO JUST SAT THERE ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO A DEAD PLANT, RUBBING HIS HEAD.

AFTER A FEW MINUTES, WHEN THE ENTIRE WORLD HAD STOPPED SWIMMING AND COLOURS CAME BACK, NODDY'S HEARING SLOWLY CAME BACK TO HIM.  FIRST HE COULD HEAR STATIC, THEN MUMBLES, HIS OWN HEART, AND THEN LOUDER AND LOUDER THE VOICE OF BIG ERAS.  HE STOOD UP.

BIG EARS WAS EASILY TWICE THE SIZE OF NODDY BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP HIM SMACKING HIM ON THE BEAK.
BIG EARS CLOSED HIS MOUTH AND STARED IN DISBELIEF AT HIS LITTLE BLUE HATTED FRIEND.  

BEFORE NODDY HAD A CHANCE TO RUN AWAY BIG 
EARS GRABBED HOLD OF HIS HAT AND RIPPED IT OFF HIS HEAD.  “OI!” SAID NODDY.  BIG EARS FLICKED THE LITTLE BELL ON THE TOP OF THE HAT.  “GIVE THAT BACK NOW.” SAID NODDY HANDS ON HIPS.  BIG EARS TOOK NO NOTICE AND WALKED PAST HIM.  HE GOT TO THE FRONT DOOR AND WAS ABOUT TO OPEN IT TO THROW THE ANNOYING TINKLING BEANIE HAT IN THE STREET WHEN A VOICE BELLOWED FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD.

“WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE.”  SHOUTED PLOD THROUGH HIS LOUD HAILER.  HE WAS STOOD BEHIND ONE OF ACTION MANS BIKES, WITH ACTION MAN BEHIND THE BUSHES DOING THE DIRTY WITH BARBIE AND CINDY.

PC PLOD CARRIED ON, REGARDLESS OF WHAT HIS OLD WAR COMRADE WAS UP TO.
“COME ON OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND WE WON’T HURT YOU.  MUCH.”

to be continued.....



*IT WASN'T RACIST IN THE '80'S...

5 comments:

  1. I never did like Noddy even when I was three or was it thirty three, anyway you are OK I think Noddy was always rather Non PC from the start. . . . I think what PC Plod (I know all this PC is confusing) needs is a canister of Tiny Tears Gas . . . . . I may return once I have done what I need to do. . . . that real world waits for no man.

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    1. TINY TEARS GAS.... oooh why didn't I think of that? It's because you are a clever man RzT. Too clever for me. hahahaha

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    2. You appear to be switched on to me Mr H. . . . I am not sure i am clever my IT tutor at college would point at me and say . . . Now this chap might get the answer right, but he will do it in a very odd way so if you copy him I will know, in fact I dont want you to do it like him anyway . . . . . (entirely true Mr H) thats the sort of stuff that can make a man paranoid. . . . She was the cleverest IT woman I have ever met, in fact the clevest IT person I have ever met by a long way, I didn't understand about 90% of what she said...... Awesome.

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  2. Ooh, it's like a parallel universe, where things get done backwards. (chapters 2, then 1)
    I agree with Mr Z, I never did like Noddy, even as a kid. And by the time that Spawn was born, watching the 'new version,' repeated at least 5 times a day, made me not only hate him more but it also made me want to chew my left leg off in frustration. It's the real reason why I only had the one child, so that I didn't have to go through it all again.

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    Replies
    1. I got very giddy last night when I wrote it and got all confused in the heat of battle. Never mind. Nobody reads this tripe anyway. hahaha

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